Zen Warrior Princess

Never underestimate the value of normalization and validation in psychotherapy.

We can train in so many structured and complex techniques, it can be easy to overlook the obvious.

Normalization is the act of letting someone know that they aren’t alone. That what is happening to their body and mind is a normal response, often to a tragedy or an abnormal event. That what they are experiencing has been experienced and overcome by others. That others have navigated these waters before you, and you can learn from their example. That you are not alone.

Validation is the act of letting someone know that their emotions are valid, whatever they are. That there is no right or wrong way to feel. That your feelings are yours and yours alone. Too often, people are met with unhelpful and invalidating responses:

“don’t worry about that”

“don’t cry”

“don’t get angry”

“you don’t really mean that / don’t say that” in response to I feel statements.

Validation separates out the facts, the actions, and the feelings. It builds rapport, and opens the door to more constructive conversation and reflection. As a therapist, you won’t always agree with the perspective of all your clients. You may be tasked to work with both victims and perpetrators, parents and children, both sides of any conflict (ideally not the specific opposing parties, but in general across your career).

Some validation is easy:

Acknowledging grief, stressful situations, disappointment, frustration, as well as pride and joy.

Some validation is harder:

Bruce enters session ranting and raving about injustices, and if challenged might escalate the aggressive language – so no surprise that he has a lot of negative interactions in the world, including with the legal system. Underneath it all lies pain and grief, and by gently validating his pain and grief, Bruce and I can shift the conversation to managing those emotions.

Tracy enters session with the statement that she has “anger management issues” – a label she internalized from all the systemic racism and institutional involvement she experienced her whole life. After she told me her story, I said “It sounds like you have an awful lot to be angry about”.

Many individuals will come in never having experienced any validation from parents, teachers, friends, and this is particularly true of children having behavioural challenges and adults on the wrong side of legal and child protection systems. People who have never been modelled validation will not be equipped to engage in validating and constructive communication. We can, and must, model the separation of emotions from how they are expressed. All emotions are valid, even when expressed in harmful ways. Validating emotions allows us to reshape how they are expressed. Suppressing emotions never works, they always find a way to leak out.

Never underestimate the power of validation. When we name that anger, that pain, we open the door to healing.